Sunday, May 07, 2006

les jours tristes

she remembers the mouths opening and shutting like breathless accordions
and her tongue unmouthed.
ah, that golden city pressed between olive groves and
grape gardens
her tiny eyes like orbs to keep things in-
small insects, rue de clare almond mornings, snapshots of children, dogs and coloring books,
flowered asylums and trickling easles, fruit prisms.

the soup helped, but the warmth was already in her belly.
every cockeyed hope bounced off the walls of the great cathedral
open-eyed, silent sleeping in the inky shadows of the flickering seine.
headstrong gargoyles, the bobbing nightboat, the romantics- all blameless voyeurs
as she pissed under the bridge.
she collected kiss crumbs, floating petals from the lips of lovers.
she placed them on her own while dreaming
that one day she'd grow wings.

time is horsehair on a stick
and it paints limestone whiter.
a soft tiptoe, a quick inhalation and the snuff into her own palm
fingertips grazing the small century rainwater tunnels in roman bricks
tracing the runoff with footfall to the edge of the river stopping once to notice
green forbidden bottles that might become a case for the thoughts she knew were hers.
chasing visions, she placed her whole body in his footstep.

the bridge was bombed and the acrylic too would crack and flake away.
she wished to make snowangels in the courtyard but all the cats were looking.
she photographed herself instead and took the picture home.
in her imagination attendants and patients hurried past the man with the red littered beard-
seeing was second because feeling's first.
she stood with her back to aurora,
her black skirt dragged the earth so she slept beside it.
waking dreams mean still sleep
and dawn made her doubt the difference.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

i drink at least 2 litres of H20 a day. and i pee a lot.

the most frightening beast...mosquito larvae

the library is open 24 hours now which means i shall never sleep again.

my soul feels stagnant and i know i need to be on the move again.
exactly one year ago i hugged my knees as the european seatide hugged the cliffs that were my throne
and never since have i felt so happily alone.
i defy my own astrology-
to sit is to drown.
here the seasons sputter like a cracked muffler
and the tree, the winter's dowager, wears on her antiqued body a hat for a special occasion

i can't stop chewing ice.

it's cold and rainy.
it's almost may, why?
i graduate in 24 days.
i think i just need to know what the hell i will be doing when i'm done.
i want to roam the earth.

i wish i could see myself in my concentrated form
without dilutions
lying in the grass is always a good place to start
i see reflections of passing clouds in a rain-pond that will
soon be bubbling with mosquito larvae.
(have you ever seen mosquito larvae? everyone should, and i will make you because it's the closest thing i have seen to the image of satan).
it is one of those moments where my skull opens a bit and thoughts start to spill into the universe but i don't have an audience right now and don't really want one.
quite remarkable the shift in social order when you know you have too many goodbye hugs to give.
goodbyes are my least favourite thing on the planet. in fact, vomit accompanied the last one.
this mind is dark
this mind is cracked and glued
this mind needs a respite
there is too much to say to ever stop saying
i want to take a hit for the world,
we, being in this shithole together
this ancient garden at its time of efflorescence
this beautiful cesspool of organic matter
blooming and dying
blooming and dying
blooming and crying
crying and blooming
all the shit and piss and vomit and the landscaped lawns
and indeginous forests
all swept up in the rapids of the stream
all going somewhere
and you can ride it if you want
but you're gonna need yourself a boat that doesn't leak
and sometimes you'll find yourself trapped in a bundle of flowers
roses and carnations
lillies lilacs impatients forget-me-nots
and for a moment as the current swirls your boat around you're
taken aback by the truth, the horror, the glory, the magnificance of it all
and if you're lucky, it won't be raining, and you can stay there awhile
floating, dreaming.
and you can take off the mask and the goggles and sense what's meant to be sensed
before the rapids wash you somewhere else somewhere deep dirty dark.
and on that horizon you will see the sea
ancient vast and made up of millions of years of tears
there you can anchor
there you can search the lifeboats for all you've lost
and if you're lucky, you'll be the most lost of all, and a spotlight will catch some distant twinkle in your gaze, and someone will be most happy to find you.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

bengal tiger

my stomach is rumbling.
i'm not hungry, just impatient.

graduation is close at hand, and there is much to do.
here's the checklist:

1) write a 5 page "bookreport" on The Life of Pi. ugh.
2) edit and do a bit of re-writing on my "Shakespeare in Film" conference paper.
3) Compile and edit my dissection footage which means learning how to edit film footage. (This will take me forever)
4) Fly down to atlanta to teach a class
5) Write the music for our theatre outreach production which goes up May 6th ( I am also acting in it so i must learn the lines)
6) A 10-12 page paper comparatively discussing the ideas of Barbarians, Slaves, and Prophecy in Aeschylus, Euripides, Aristophanes, and Sophocles.

Those are the main tasks from now until May 8th.

my subconscious is very violent right now, and I feel quite aggresive. i think it's another one of those transitionary points where i need to be on the move and challenged.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

i feel like my brain should be vacuumed out through my left ear.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

in the flesh.

right now....wickedly procrastinating.
it's finally spring, and hearts flower.
anxiously awaiting april 13th.

my fucking computer broke again which means
i'll be living in the library this weekend to write my paper.

dualing realities.

I am using these images and video footage to create an exhibit on coming-of-age ritual of sacrifice in western culture...animal dissection in schools. these are fetal pigs. while people tore into their flesh, i heard a conversation about britney spears. vile. I want to get footage from alien movies and splice it with images of the animals in order to create a kind of visual rhetoric about the alienation of animals from their "animal-ness"- transformed to a subject intended to be elevated into a symbol of scientific cosmology. no longer is this "a pig" but it is "the other" through which we understand ourselves as students, scientists, adults, humans, etc. Also, because this is an educational requirement to move onto the next level, students who might choose not to participate become alienated from their peers and the system itself. I am going to have, in the center, a tv monitor with the film footage. Surrounding the exhibit will be photographs from the laboratory and probably photographs of other indigenous animal sacrifice rituals in various regions of the world. On one side will be a computer station with a program running a simulated dissection in which viewers can dissect animals virtually.
i also want to have an audio station that is playing recorded interviews of students, professors, scientists, children, parents about dissection. any suggestions? any comments? any experiences with dissection you would like to share? i'll use it in my project if it's good.

Monday, March 27, 2006

3:30 am.
talking to corey-
feeling inspired

Sunday, March 26, 2006

before the trees hath given forth fruit

this spring break has included:

a trip to atlanta
a 9 page paper
4 interviews for a job
recording a song for the first time
getting a new guitar
finding out scott is going to iraq
a trip back to new york
st. patrick's day insanity in Brooklyn
watching varied Richard III movies
a couple ex-boyfriend redezvous
a bus to boston
partying at Harvard
visiting my dear high school friend Vaughn
a gravity bong party(yes, they exist)
a couple particularly memorable dinners with friends
a bus back to new york
animal collective concert
sleeping on multiple couches
living out of a backpack
riding many many many trains

now it's over- i have a 20 pg paper on shakespeare in film due on Thursday,
i'm broke as hell, i have tech week for my show which goes up friday, and i'm excited to sink back into the cracked out, overly exhausted mental state that school continuously and generously offers for a month and 1/2 more before i graduate.